...Children get older, I'm getting older, too

So, I have been thinking a lot about the purpose of this blog.  I think that it is be sure and write down, as honestly as I can, my experiences during this year that has had so many important events.  I did not know that when I made this my New Year's resolution, but I am pretty sure that some day I will be glad that I have these entries to look back on.  Today is my wedding anniversary.  My marriage has been a grand adventure with ups and downs, but I truly married my best friend, and I know that of all the decisions I made in my life, marrying him has been one of the most important and best decisions I ever made.

This week has been one of the most difficult in my life.  As I sit here thinking about how to write this, I know that I want to.  I want to write this down and not forget what has been a forever life-changing week.  This week my son moved out of our home in order to begin a brand new adventure in college.  I am so overwhelmed with emotions I am not really sure where to start. 

His move has really been something we have all sort of avoided seriously thinking about for the majority of

the summer.  Once in a while, at dinner someone would mention something he might want for his dorm, but other than that we never really talked about it.  Then Monday hit, Olivia and I went back to school, and we all came to the reality that Austen was moving in two days.  On Tuesday evening, my son brought down the boxes he was taking with him when he moved out the next day.  My daughter made the labels with his new address on them, and we all tried not to cry.  My husband and I had purchased lottery tickets for our family as a thank you to the lottery scholarship, and in an effort to keep everyone happy and doing something else.  We sat up Tuesday night, with all those boxes blocking the televsion, and talked and laughed together.  It was a great night.  Eventually, my son had to go to bed, and I hugged him good night, and watched him walk up the stairs.  I felt like I couldn't breathe.  My husband grabbed my daughter and I and we cried together for a long time.  We didn't want to cry in front of Austen, because nothing in the world should take away from the excitement he was and should be feeling.  We never talked about it, but the three of us had sort of made an unspoken pact.  In probably one of the most painful moments, my daughter whispered through her tears, "He is my oldest friend."  We assured her their relationship will always be important to both of them as those boxes stared at us, letting us know that everything was changing.  I laid in bed that night and cried myself to sleep because I knew that this was the last night that my family would be this way.

The next day, we got up and loaded the boxes into the car.  I wanted to stay busy, so everyone had a job. 

Then we left.  My son wanted his little sister to ride with him to the dorm.  My husband and I could not speak as we watched his car pull out of the driveway.  It was surreal.  When we got to the dorm it was a whirlwind of activity.  We arrived at 10:57 and all of this things were in his room by 11:04.  Easy and efficient--completely contrasting the complex and messy feelings all of us were going through.  My husband and I took the cars so my son and daughter could have a few more minutes together.  We arrived and my son's roommate, a boy we had never met, was there.  We shook hands and helped Austen set up his new home.  Finally, it was clear that it was time for us to go.  As he walked with us to our cars, we could not stop the tears that escaped our eyes.  I think it is so hard because it is not supposed to be sad.  As a mom, at each milestone in my son's life, I have celebrated.  You chose to become a parent so your child can become an adult and have a wonderful life.  I am not worried that my son will make bad choices, I trust him and am overwhelmingly proud.  But now, the milestones he must pass will be without me next to him, cheering him on.  The next part of his journey is about himself, and I will miss the joy that those milestones and celebrations caused.  Our lives are forever changed.

As we pulled away, my husband pulled the car over, and we all sobbed, unable to drive.  Change is rarely so definable and tangible.  Driving on to our street, I was overwhelmed with the reality of it--Austen does not live here.  I could not bring myself to walk into my house at first.  We sat in the car, not even knowing what this would be like.  I walked in, and the three of us sat together, held each other and cried.  We love Austen, this will always a home for him, but now, it is my wish that he will make a home for himself.  One that he can love and feel as loved as he does here.  He has begun that journey.  I am proud, but a part of my heart will be on that journey without me.

It has been a couple of days.  We are all trying to give him space.  I have texted about the cafeteria and the bathroom situation.  I have received the usual, teenaged boy, one word responses.  At least that hasn't changed.  My husband took me to Big Cedar Lodge in Branson, Missouri for our anniversary and we had a beautiful dinner at Top of the Rock last night.  They have a tradition at sunset- a bagpipe player plays as the

sunsets, sort of a way to remind ourselves to be thankful for the day that has passed.  As my husband and I were watching, with me safely in his arms, the bagpiper started playing Auld Lang Syne-the New Year's Eve song.  My husband squeezed my arm, and tears rolled down our faces.  We didn't need to say anything.  We, too, are starting a new year, a new journey, a new adventure.  Our family will always be our family, no matter where they live.  I cherish the sadness and the excitement that I feel because I know that it means that we  made so many memories and had such a wonderful 18 years together.  I know there will be more, and they will be different, and beautiful, and wonderful.  I feel so blessed that I get to be a mom, forever and always.  If you are with your loved ones, make a memory--if you aren't, call a friend.  I wish you only happiness dear friends!  Love!